Self-care or Selfishness?
Self-care or Selfishness? “I’m always having to do something for somebody, especially when it involves family or friends, I feel obliged to do so, no matter how exhausted or reluctant I feel. I can’t seem to say ‘No’. I secretly wish I could, but that would only make me feel selfish and unlovable, and nobody would respect me for it. I resent this, and it makes me even angrier when my efforts aren’t really appreciated, after all my work, after everything I do for them! I’m just taken-for-granted, so we end up having a big argument…..” (Words spoken by Cora[i], a client of LTY) Do Cora’s words sound familiar to you? If so, you might want to read on…. When we feel a compulsion to do things for others, we are unconsciously wanting to self-identify and to be regarded as a generous, caring person. We fear being labelled ‘selfish’. Unfortunately, all our efforts to try to please at all costs often lead to resentment and/or ill health because we may not be giving due consideration to our own needs. Basically, we are not practising self-care. The chronic stress of constantly neglecting our personal needs in the pursuit of pleasing others has been linked to a number of health risks, including conditions like diabetes, cancer, and mental illnesses. Selfish behaviour is what we do when we say ‘no’ without first having thought things through properly. It is often a mindless reaction, devoid of due reflection or empathy for the needs of others. The difference between being selfish and allowing ourselves to practice self-care, i.e. giving ourselves permission to say ‘No’ when we need to, seems clear, in theory. But it is quite a different matter when it comes to putting it into practice. We so often hear clients ask “But how can I be sure that I’m not being ‘selfish’? At what point is it safe and proper to draw the line?” Alas, there is no ‘handbook’ for how to tell the difference. There are no set guidelines, because the distinction between being selfish and being able to say ‘No’ without fear of negative repercussions lies in how mindfully we deal with each situation as it arises. It is an acquired balancing skill which involves us going through a particular process – more about this later! What prevents us from practising self-care Fear of appearing to be ‘selfish’ is a major factor in what keeps us from saying ‘No’. Also, self-care has come to be regarded as a needless luxury in some circles. It has become easier to denigrate it, to find ‘reasons’ for NOT practising self-care. Some common excuses are “I don’t have time for that nonsense”, or “I have far too much to do”, or “I would feel guilty if I allowed time or resources for myself, as that would be taking away from my ability to be a good parent/a productive contributor at work/a worthy partner/etc.” The neglect of self-care is partly based on a very common misconception that self-care and care for others cannot co-exist in the same person. Taken to its logical conclusion, this theory would mean that, if we do not want to be selfish, we must never practice self-care! This is utter nonsense because, in reality, it is perfectly possible to make time for self-care AND still be caring and supportive people at the same time. Another obstacle is the blurring of lines between ‘taking care of’ someone and ‘taking responsibility for’ them. Taking care of others is a good and noble thing but, when ‘taking care of’ morphs into ‘taking responsibility for’, it is a very different matter. Whenever we keep pushing ourselves to please others, we may be unconsciously hoping and expecting that we will be emotionally compensated. Unfortunately, what often ensues in reality is that the person we are trying so hard to please may begin to feel invaded and controlled by us. They may even become defensive of their privacy, and this can leave us feeling rejected and woefully unacknowledged and unappreciated. Learning how to self-care We must first step off the hamster-wheel of needing to please at any cost. Then we need to pause long enough to assess our own personal needs, capabilities and limitations. We also need to objectively evaluate and gauge the level of urgency or importance of what we think is required of us. How urgent is the issue? Can it be left till later? Is it something that could reasonably be done by someone else? How important is it in the larger scheme of things? Once we have drafted an informed and comprehensive picture of the status quo, we can confidently and assertively reach a decision which is appropriate for the given situation, without having to battle with feelings of guilt or fear of criticism, should we choose to say ‘No’. Some words of encouragement Learning how to self-care requires practice and training, but it is well worth the effort. It is a continuous process, an exercise of mindful exploration of one’s own needs and capabilities, balanced with the conscious considerations of the needs of others. This precious skill frees us to live life more fully and authentically, and it also helps us form better relationships. It is never easy breaking out of old habits so if, having read this article, you are still unsure of how to practice self-care, or if you would like more support while you are learning to say ‘No’, don’t hesitate to ask your therapist for guidance. [i] Not LTY client’s real name
