Parental Alienation - When that most fundamental bond may be in need of repair.
What is Parental Alienation? When one parent teaches their child to reject the other parent via direct or indirect psychological manipulation, this is referred to as parental alienation. “If you go to your father’s house, don’t ever come back here.” “You’re just like your mother. You don’t know what love is.” "That family’s just a load of trouble.” Parental alienation can manifest itself as fear of, lack of respect for, or outright hostility towards the alienated parent and their family of origin. This form of estrangement does not only arise when the parenting couple have reached the point of separation. It can begin even while the couple is still living within the familial context or under the same roof. Whether wittingly or unwittingly, all members of the family are contributors to the phenomenon of parental alienation, and this causes suffering and unhappiness to everybody concerned. The children are the biggest victims because, in the midst of all this turmoil, they are essentially being robbed of their childhood. " I’m going through hell because of you, I’m doing this for your sake.” “I need someone to support me, not someone who is an added burden to me!” How do children experience Parental Alienation? There are many ways in which children can be impacted, and here are just a few of them: The alienating parent may encourage their child to ask for changes to when and how much time they spend with the alienated party, even though parenting schedules may have already been settled between the two adults. The alienating parent may themselves make last minute changes to the pre-arranged schedules, with the intention of thwarting or blocking the other parent’s involvement. This behaviour can create confusion and uncertainty in the child. When a parent is feeling hurt and betrayed, they may intentionally or unwittingly encourage or permit their children to bad mouth the other parent. Similarly, when children are not given a safe space within which to express their positive emotions towards the alienated parent, they are put in the untenable situation where they may have to lie by omission, to avoid negative repercussions. This is a highly inappropriate burden of responsibility to place on any child. All too often, children are engaged by the parents to act as messengers or spies, and this gives rise to emotional chaos and a conflict of loyalties in the children. When issues related to debt, property, or other financial matters are discussed within earshot, the child often experience debilitating feelings of ‘guilt’ because of their own sense of helplessness when faced with their parents’ problems. What are the long-term effects of Parental Alienation on the children? Individuals who have experienced the loss of the alienated parent they were groomed to reject can develop severe pathological behaviours or attitudes that are likely to plague them throughout their life. They commonly develop a low tolerance of anger or hostility - mistakenly construed by them as abuse; they may grow up with a tendency to perceive experiences and relationships in ‘black or white’, as all good or all bad; their antagonistic and aggressive attitude has its origins in the fact that this kind of demeanour was once applauded and encouraged by the alienating parent. Victims of parental alienation may embark on crusades against all figures of authority, thus re-enacting the hatred they were led to feel towards the alienated parent. Many resort to breaking off all communication with any person who presents a threat to their internalised way of being or thinking. This behaviour can make it difficult for them to accept difference of any kind. Healthy relationships are built on tolerance of difference, even when this difference is not in keeping with one’s own beliefs and opinions. Unfortunately, many casualties of parental alienation find it easier to malign and reject others than to learn to practice flexibility, acceptance and forgiveness. The psychological harm brought about by parental alienation can have a very negative effect on how survivors form intimate relationships in later life. If the effects of this emotional upheaval are not properly addressed and processed in good time, survivors may end up suffering the negative consequences for the rest of their life. How can parents avoid the pitfalls of alienation? It is crucially important for parents to create a calm space within which their children can safely reflect on and share their experiences. Evenings are a good time for this, when the children are winding down before going to bed. Parental alienation takes place in an atmosphere of misinformation and manipulation. This ambience is very destructive for the children. It is the duty of every parent to practice active empathic listening, without judgement, criticism, or unwarranted argument. Children need to be able to express themselves freely, to be given the space and time to process their thoughts and feelings without fear of blame or pressure of repercussions. Parents need to make time for their children. Having fun playing games together is an essential part of healthy parenting, and it is a wonderful opportunity for children to voice their innermost thoughts, and to share their hidden emotions and unprocessed traumas. This playful, informal atmosphere offers children a calm place to speak up so that they can start to come to terms with the situation, and to start the process of healing. This ‘together time’ must not be used for quizzing the children. No matter how tempting, a parent must not go down the slippery slope of parental alienation by exploiting this as an opportunity to find out what is going on in the other parent’s life. Parents should allow their children to freely confide in them when they are ready to talk. They can then provide the children with the comfort and reassurance they need, by responding to their issues with empathy and love, without being negative about the other parent. If the children express anger, parents should continue to support them with compassion for their suffering. Children too need a safe space in which to vent their frustrations and let off steam. Parents must be prepared to keep up this level of support for an extended period of time and, regardless of how long it takes, they must keep showing their children unconditional love throughout the journey. And finally, parents are adults and, as such, it is fit and proper that they always behave as adults. However, they must not lose sight of the fact that, in order to take care of others, they must also take care of themselves. Is there anything else parents can do? Learning gained from life experience is essential for healthy growth, but good communication is the rock on which we build all our relationships. Other people’s actions and behaviours towards us can affect us negatively, but these experiences do not define who we truly are. What really matters is how we view and treat ourselves. Sadly, our self-perceptions and internalised assumptions can sometimes be buried so deeply in our subconscious that we are in danger of psychologically collapsing under their weight, and we can get stuck in a vicious cycle of habitual ways of being. Most of the time, we are able to deal with issues in a timely manner as they arise but, there are times in our life when it is much more difficult to cope all on our own. It is at times like these that we need to consider reaching out for therapeutic support, for our own good as well as for that of our children. Therapy offers a safe space in which we can pay attention to our needs and limitations, and to search for a deeper understanding of how best to live a more fulfilling life. After all, parents need support too! Original article "L-aljenazzjoni tal-ġenitur", by William Hayman, Counsellor. Edited and translated into English by Alex Xuereb, Psychotherapist.
