How to (and how NOT to) Apologise
We all make mistakes, be they big or small. And these mistakes can have knock-on effects on others. It could just be just a matter of failing to put out the rubbish, or forgetting your partner’s birthday, or it could relate to something much much bigger, like infidelity. The subject or context doesn’t matter, and neither does the severity of the mistake or the misconduct. What matters is how we feel about it and, equally importantly, how much attention we pay to how it affects other people. It also matters what we do about it. If we value our relationships, and we want to restore peace and build intimacy, we need to learn to stop, take a deep breath, and APOLOGISE for being the bad guy. How can apologising make a difference? When we apologise in an authentic, sincere way, it immediately defuses and neutralises anger and resentment arising from the mistake or misconduct, both for the person apologising and for the person at the receiving end of the apology. Apologising cancels out the negative effects of our mistake. A true apology creates an immediate emotional connection where there was animosity and hurt just a moment before. For example, if we forget our partner’s birthday, it is not enough to say “I was so busy, it completely slipped my mind!” We need to acknowledge our mistake and respect the pain that was caused by us. We can do this by being sincere and specific “I am so sorry I didn’t remember your birthday. I know how much that must have hurt you and I really feel bad about what I did.” A true apology actually has a physical effect on the receiver of the apology, instant lowering their level of stress hormones. This allows their ‘happy’ hormones to flow freely, generating that warm and fuzzy feeling we all crave. Why is it so very difficult to apologise? Many of us habitually avoid apologising because it can temporarily reduce our sense of self-esteem. Apologising focuses on our imperfection, so it makes us feel vulnerable. This sense of vulnerability applies particularly to those of us who have been raised in an environment where people’s mistakes are typically stored away, to be fished out and used as ammunition at a later date. In that atmosphere of distrust, an admission of culpability must seem like the equivalent of offering bullets to an armed adversary. We all want to be perceived as decent, caring, sensitive, moral persons. Hurting one’s partner impinges on how we see ourselves. It challenges our self-image. Admission of guilt triggers a sense of shame, so we find it easier to avoid taking responsibility for the hurt we have caused. Some may try to dodge a true apology by creating what is referred to as the ‘magnitude gap’, i.e. by minimising the gravity of their shortcoming. To further minimise the gravity of their misdeed, they will typically make excuses for what they did. How NOT to Apologise: If someone flirted inappropriately with their partner’s friend at last night’s party, they may try to brush it off by saying something like “Oh, don’t make such a big song and dance about it. Nothing happened, so why do you keep banging on?” This attitude may save the transgressor from feeling guilty and shamed, but it completely negates and neglects the painful effect their behaviour had on their partner, their feelings of helplessness and fear of abandonment. We need to take ownership of our mistakes. Comments like “If I hurt you, I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry you feel that way” merely obfuscate responsibility. They do not give a clear message that we fully understand what WE did to hurt the other person. The wronged person is left feeling that his/her suffering is unacknowledged. Similarly, any apology which is followed by a “but” is not a true apology. The “but” negates the apology by offering excuses and laying the blame on external circumstances beyond our control, e.g. “Sorry I didn’t do the dishes. I know I promised to do them, but I was too tired”. Guidelines for a TRUE apology: When we realise our mistake, we need to apologise as soon as possible because the longer either party has to ruminate about what happened, the more resentful and hurt we are both likely to become, and it gets harder and harder to find our way back from that state of mind. We need to acknowledge the offence itself, verbalising and describing what we did, owning our part in it and taking full responsibility. We must avoid any attempt to minimise culpability by offering excuses for what we did/said. We also need to express our own feelings of remorse for what we did. An apology rings hollow if it does not emanate from a place of empathy. If it is not based on good intention and ownership of the mistake, this kind of apology can be understood by the hurt party as just another trick to manipulate them into ‘dropping it’. For example “I’ve said I’m sorry, so can we move on?” The wounded person needs to truly feel that you fully understand and acknowledge how you have hurt them. An apology needs to be expressed with compassion and openness, and it might also require an offer of reparation. We could ask the wounded party what we need to say or do right now to make up for what we did. The bottom line: Even if you think the other person’s feelings are unjustified, even if you didn’t mean to do wrong, or even if you have a perfectly good excuse for doing or saying what you did, an apology still needs to happen. Apologizing isn’t about who’s right or wrong in any given situation. It’s not about winning or losing. It’s about acknowledging the other person’s feelings and taking accountability for your part in it.
